El Mate Tuerto

"Se fingirá el saber que no se tiene."

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Nombre: El Mate Tuerto
Ubicación: Argentina

29 febrero, 2008

John Nash fracasó

“No soy segundo plato de nadie”. “Disculpe señorita. Acá son todos canapés”. Nunca entendí el teorema de Nash. Ni siquiera después de ver Una Mente Brillante. Lo único que entendí es que, si hay un grupo de mujeres y todos cooperan, es más probable que alguno salga ganando. En cambio si todos se tratan de levantarse a la más linda, lo más probable es que, después del rechazo inicial, las amigas, ofendidas, nos manden a la mierda. Lo que no explica la matemática de Nash, es porqué mis amigos siguen sin cooperar.
Analicé reiteradas veces la situación. Sólo llegué a la respuesta cuando me puse a observar a mi amigo Jorge. Tanta es mi deuda, que bauticé mi descubrimiento con su nombre. “Tú me jorgegustas”. ¿Qué significa jorgegustar? Si dentro de un grupo de mujeres, alguna nos atrae especialmente la atención, solemos decir “esa chica me jorgegusta”. Utilizamos el verbo jorgegustar, en lugar del castellano gustar, para hacer explicito el matiz de que, en caso de ser rechazados por nuestro objeto de deseo, insistiremos, en orden aleatorio o de preferencia, con cada una de sus amigas, y luego con cualquier mujer que se encuentre en el recinto, hasta que alguna nos de bola o hasta alcanzar el rechazo absoluto, lo que sea que pase primero. Nietzsche nos espetaría que en última instancia lo que amamos es nuestro deseo, no lo deseado. Esas palabras suenan demasiado apolíneas a los oídos dionisíacos de los pibes. En todo caso, un dicho kantiano, trasmitido de abuelos a padres y de padres a hijos, hace más justicia a la situación: “donde veas un agujero, tapalo”. Es este imperativo categórico, el que impulsa a actuar al narrador en la novela El Pendejo de Matías Pailos. Y los límites a los que nos lleva son difusos. (Nótese –para pavor de los lectores de la revista Hombre y deleite de quienes aman las sutilezas– que el imperativo categórico en su versión estándar no hace distinción de género en el agujero a tapar. En la versión zoofílica del imperativo, “hoyo, aunque sea de pollo”, este punto es aún más explícito).
Así, cada vez que nos juntamos con los pibes, alguien, inevitablemente, hace la misma pregunta: “¿Por qué nunca hay minas?”. Como se puede deducir del enunciado, estas reuniones están marcadas por la angustia frente la ausencia de mujeres. Costumbre solidificada por doce años de asistir a un colegio sólo para varones. Me gustaría culpar a esta santa institución y sus arcaicas costumbres por la ausencia de mujeres en nuestras reuniones. Pero esa no es la verdadera razón. La razón está en nosotros. Somos unos pajeros y unos hijos de puta. Martín Kohan y los formalistas rusos dirían que lo más importante está en la conjunción. Creo que tienen toda la razón. Por separado nos comportamos siempre como caballeros españoles. Juntos somos la peste. Al primer indicio de rechazo, nos dedicamos a escupirle sistemáticamente el asado a quien tenga mejor chance con las chicas. “Edu, te llama tu novia”. “Nico, ¿les contaste de la vez que te pegaste HPV (enfermedad venérea)?” Eso cuando somos finos y no nos ponemos escatológicos. “Me cayó pesado el pollito”. A diferencia del teorema de Nash, que nos dice que cooperar maximiza las ganancias del grupo, los pibes siguen fieles el teorema de Nach. Si no gano yo, no gana nadie.

Nacho

62 Comentarios:

Blogger julieta eme dijo...

Muy bueno el post, Nacho. Adhiero sobre todo cuando decís: "Somos unos pajeros y unos hijos de puta. [...] Por separado nos comportamos siempre como caballeros españoles. Juntos somos la peste". Ja ja...

La cooperación es lo mejor. Siempre. Pero hay que saber resignar algo. No vas a levantarte (tal vez sí, tal vez no) al morocho que raja la tierra, pero seguro te levantás al rubiecito que también está bueno. No vas a viajar en tu auto solo, pero seguro vas a llegar más rápido a todos lados y vas a contaminar menos (si abolimos los automóviles privados y dejamos sólo el transporte público). No vas a salir inmediatamente de la cárcel (tal vez sí, tal vez no), pero seguro salís en seis meses (ver el conocido "dilema del prisionero"). Es tan obvio que la cooperación es siempre lo mejor que no entiendo cómo no cooperamos más seguido. Todo el tiempo. La falta de cooperación es la medida de nuestra imbecilidad.

Besos. Julieta.

29/2/08 15:14  
Blogger Playmobil Hipotético dijo...

no paro de reírme. CUando pare, comento algo, pero no paro por ahora.

29/2/08 16:14  
Blogger yukito dijo...

Increible, nunca pense que podia existir una definicion tan precisa para un mal tan genérico.

Me asumo, yo tambien soy un pajero y un hijo de puta jajaja

29/2/08 19:14  
Anonymous Anónimo dijo...

Julieta: Gracias. No llego a entender el uso de "adhiero" en la oración. ¿Vos también sos "una pajera y una hija de puta"? Nunca lo hubiera creído pero bienvenida al grupo.

PH: no se me atragante. Gracias.

Yukito: Gracias. "definición precisa, para un mal tan genérico". Ud. es un dialéctico. Lo felicito.

1/3/08 10:23  
Blogger julieta eme dijo...

che, entre playmobil y vos me están difamando de lo lindo. espero que siempre sea with love.

besos. julieta.

1/3/08 12:26  
Anonymous Anónimo dijo...

Veo que tu grupo es un continuo forjador de neologismos a la alemana: con empastes de palabras. Además de "Jorgegustar" conozco un sustantivo destilado en la misma bodega: la "nachogamba". La nachogamba es una maniobra de levante, en la que el nachogambeador, so pretexto de ayudarte a conquistar a la muchacha que te gusta, termina quedándosela para sí.

1/3/08 12:50  
Blogger Playmobil Hipotético dijo...

lo que está bueno del nachogambear es que incluso el término es tramposo; en la primera impresión del significado, uno supone que es que "nacho te hace la gamba"; eso es lo que quieren que uno crea para después empomarte.
Julieta: los hombres tenemos formas extrañas de manifestar cariño hacia nuestros amigos, como alguna vez lo dijo Pailos. Le pongo un ejemplo.
"Los creadores de este blog son todos una manga de putos que a veces me hacen reír y otras me obligan a comentar. Forros de mierda."
Ahora va a ver como empieza una larga cadena de insultos que, en realidad, significa puntos altos en el nivel del cariño masculino

1/3/08 12:59  
Anonymous Anónimo dijo...

La "nachogamba" es el negativo de la gamba, como bien señala Playmobil. Se llama "nacho" no porque yo la haya ejerecido alguna vez, sino porque Jorge, mi amigo, buscó vengarse del "jorgegustar". Y lo logró.

Con respecto a Fede, yo quitaría la intencionalidad para definir la "nachogamba". Uno puede intentar garcarle la mina a un amigo en un levante, o no, y garcársela igual (porque, como dice Cacho Castaña, son las chicas las que nos levantan, o como creo yo en mi foro interno, son las chicas las que nos dan bola a pesar de nuestros patéticos intentos de levante).

Juli, por supuesto que es with love. Todas nuestras puteadas y gastadas son with love. A los que no queremos ni les dirigimos la palabra. JULI TE QUEREMOS!!! SOS UNA HINCHAP(auto-censurado por no ser genero sensitivo)!!!

1/3/08 15:41  
Blogger julieta eme dijo...

ja ja... ok. ya entendí!!

besos.

1/3/08 19:58  
Anonymous Anónimo dijo...

Grandes neologismos para las pequeñas tácticas del levante, para jorgegustar hay que tener mucha actitud y yo creo que el levante es 99% actitud, así que auguro éxito a los seguidores de esta práctica. A los amigos no se los nachogambea, aunque en su modo inconciente, lo admito.

3/3/08 17:53  
Anonymous Anónimo dijo...

A I: (Artificial Inteligence?) Gracias por el comment. Mi experiencia personal es que la nachogamba sólo se da entre amigos. Por ejemplo cuando un amigo que viene en nuestra ayuda ("te hago lo gamba", "te saco a la amiga") termina ganando y uno se queda mirándola pasar de lejos. Por supuesto, entre amigos, esto es motivo de risas y reproches infinitos.

3/3/08 21:49  
Anonymous Anónimo dijo...

Es probable que mi inteligencia sea de esa índole, pero en este caso hacía referencia a mis iniciales, gracias por su expansión del nachogambismo.
Saludos

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